I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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