please come you make the beer taste better
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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