apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
