i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
