His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
