We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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