I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
