It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
