Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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