the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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