I can tuck mytits in my pants
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
