Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
