a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
