Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
