the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
