i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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