i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
