God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
