Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
