She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
