I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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