"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
