No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
