i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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