No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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