so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
