i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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