dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
