I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
