Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
