She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
