hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
