I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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