I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
