i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I touched a dick in church today
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
