Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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