Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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