I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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