he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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