you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
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You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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