that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
did i walk over a car last night?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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