you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
