I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
