My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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