I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize