Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
