8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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