Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
