She is in my trunk
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
