glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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