I wish I could punch you in the face.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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