ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize
