There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
