My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
