I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
