the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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