It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
