You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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