Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My penis needs a shock collar
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize