You really coming over, don't trick.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.