Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The struggles of a small town man whore
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
