i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
