When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
